Consider these key principles in approaching one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Linda said it this way: “We had problems, I think, from the time we started dating. Studies show also that the kind of person President Hinckley advises seeking—someone to honor, respect, and give our whole heart to, someone who inspires love, allegiance, and loyalty—will usually have good mental and emotional health, including maturity, self-control, and a healthy sense of self-respect. I have heard of cases where a young man told a young woman she should marry him because he had received a revelation that she was to be his eternal companion. The self-respect that prepares one well for marriage is not, as President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973) said, “an abnormally developed self-esteem that becomes haughtiness, conceit, or arrogance, but a righteous self-respect that might be defined as ‘belief in one’s own worth, worth to God, and worth to man.’”10 One young wife’s comments about her husband illustrate how a poor sense of self-worth can harm a marriage. That’s the first, most important, step, and it makes everything else a little bit easier. Research suggests several areas that we need to look at in choosing a spouse9 if we want to have the greatest chance of success in marriage. Years ago I worked with a couple who were not LDS but were deeply religious. Also, I’m half Italian and half Spanish. Some seemingly promising relationships will progress and end. Even if we came from a less-than-perfect family environment, we are not doomed to suffer the consequences of our parents’ iniquities “unto the third and fourth generation” (Deut. That’s the first, most important, step, and it makes everything else a little bit easier. First of all, both LDS young … If this is a true revelation, it will be confirmed directly to the woman if she seeks to know. Ideally, you want to at least feel welcome and accepted into his family and have him feel the same about yours. Generally, once an LDS member has found "the one" with whom they want to create a future, they will want to focus on marriage. That marriage didn’t last, but that was OK because when it came time to marry Nathan, President Hinckley moved pretty quickly to clear the way for our temple marriage. You will become wiser about what you have to offer your future spouse, where you need some work, and what you hope for in a spouse. Neither of us is really good at communicating. Filmed in California and Las Vegas, Nevada. President Hinckley told the men of the church to prepare and live worthy of the girl they will someday marry, he said: “She will wish to be married to someone who loves her, who trusts her, who walks beside her, who is her very best friend and companion…She will wish to be married to someone who loves the Lord and seeks to do His will.” Fortunately, President Hinckley and other Church leaders have given us inspired counsel concerning these questions. You need to know the risks you are taking when you do decide to marry, and if you do decide to marry, you do need to choose wisely. Being “in love” and attracted to a person is a good start, but clearly not enough. … The world is full of unhappy men and women who married because … it seemed to be a good investment. The right place is, of course, the temple. Research confirms that the more a potential spouse values marriage and family life, the better that marriage can be. You do not need to be married to enter the Celestial Kingdom, but you DO need to be married to recieve Exaltation. She is now having the life she never ever had because she was strapped with no education and a kid before the age of 20. Finding Miss or Mr. Thomas B. Holman and others, Premarital Prediction of Marital Quality and Break Up (2001), 13. “Family Communications,” Ensign, May 1976, 52. “This You Can Count On,” Improvement Era, Dec. 1969, 73. “Thou Shalt Not Covet,” Ensign, Mar. If the Qur'an says you can marry a Christian believer, you could probably marry a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 2. You both have to decide if you want to be married. A person should not feel that if his or her prospective partner receives a confirmation, he or she is therefore released from the necessity of seeking a similar personal confirmation. I’m going to marry a mormon, but I have a few questions. You are to do the choosing. Hi. Young adults from divorced families, for example, may experience some depression and anger and have trouble trusting or committing to others as a result of the trauma of parental divorce. If you buy into this fallacy, you may mistakenly decide something is wrong when the chemical rush of infatuation begins to evolve into the deeper but less-frenetic love characteristic of enduring marriages. Plenty of latter-day saints belong to part-member families and many have found a way to “make it work,” but the heart of the issue isn’t the same as any other interfaith marriage. Pretty darn good. The marriage is a covenant made between the couple and God. Boyd K. Packer, Eternal Love (1973), 11. Evaluating Your Relationship Identify how you and your partner fight. Dating is meant to be fun! Starring Gordon Jump. You may be deciding between becoming a single parent, getting married, or placing your child with adoptive parents. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. Choosing whom to marry is such an important, formative decision, and simply knowing a handful of these facts could have an enormous impact. Such fears and anxieties often speak so loudly in our minds that we cannot hear the still, small whisperings of the Holy Spirit. The Book of Mormon is also full of examples of how to deal with parental influences. In the 1880s and early 1890s, more than 1,000 Mormon men would be convicted of charges relating to plural marriage. I am DANG good at it. It is up to you.-Gramps . A Mormon may certainly marry someone who is a non-Mormon, but they will always want that person to prepare to go with them to the temple and become married for eternity. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision.”15. More than 60 years of research studies bear out the truth of these inspired recommendations by priesthood leaders. Here are the questions to ask before marriage, so you know you're making the right choice before you walk down the aisle. “There is no substitute for marrying in the temple,” counsels President Hinckley. And they may want to move quickly toward that goal. A Christian is just someone who harbors a belief in Christ. Ego: Your ego says you need to get married because society tells you to do so, allowing societal pressures to force you into an unwanted relationship. Good family environments and family relationships tend to lead to good quality marriages by the children; poor family environments and family relationships often foreshadow poor marriages by the children from these homes. … We bow to Him as the veritable Son of the living God in the fullest sense of the hallowed term. Prophetic counsel teaches us that finding a marriage partner takes spiritual sensitivity, maturity, and preparation—including preparing ourselves to be the right spouse. I’m from Chile, a 28-year-old English teacher. 5:9). If the Qur'an says you can marry a Christian believer, you could probably marry a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day … First, we need to know a lot about the person we are thinking of marrying. My wife actually bought this book when we were dating and we read through all of the questions. A spiritual witness may be confirmed again in various ways. Infatuation is usually manifest by an immature “love” that includes great anxiety, possessiveness, selfishness, clinging, and overdependence; this may be more likely with individuals who lack emotional and spiritual maturity. Going through an unplanned pregnancy while single can leave you facing difficult decisions and managing complicated emotions. And later, at the time of the ceremony, I had another confirmation that what I was doing was right.”. These marriages are valid "until death do they part." Instead, he suggested, we should develop within ourselves the important attributes we desire in a spouse.6. If a couple starts out having to blend fundamentally different personalities, interests, and viewpoints, much more effort is required to make the marriage survive. going on especially when I see as I have very recently a child bride get divorced to her hubbie of 25ish years. For Leaders If you are a leader seeking to help a single expectant parent, visit “ Counseling Resources: Single Expectant Parents ” for guidance. Reply A Christian is just someone who harbors a belief in Christ. Exactly just How do you want to understand who to marry? The man can receive revelation to guide his own actions, but he cannot properly receive revelation to direct hers. Also, is it true that mormons can’t use […] “Birds of a feather” for the win! President Gordon B. Hinckley has counseled that marriage “will be the most important decision of your life. I would recommend following his advice in both deciding if you do get married, and also who you should marry. President Gordon B. Hinckley has counseled that marriage “will be the most important decision of your life. LDS Quotations is a resource for quotes on Marriage and 100s of other topics for talk or lesson prep, or just to browse. Daunted but determined, I read my way through decades of research. One of the biggest reasons I decided to serve were some statistics I heard about returned missionaries and their children being married in the temple. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh” (Matt. The LDS Church’s support for Proposition 8 in 2008, amending the California Constitution to make same-sex marriage illegal, has firmly linked the Mormon church to the issue of gay rights in the minds of people on both sides of the issues. If you want your marriage to survive a faith transition, you have to decide if you want to be married. If we adopt this mentality, dating can feel like a dreaded part-time job in which we interview a series of job applicants, most of whom we quickly decide to reject because of their manifest lack of potential. It can be a sad, and potentially lonely thought. In brief, the Book of Mormon teaches us that we can overcome these negative effects by having faith in the Lord, allowing ourselves to be taught by inspired leaders, learning the lessons of the scriptures, suffering in patience the afflictions that parents may have brought upon us, and repenting of any of the unrighteous habits and behaviors we may have picked up (see Mosiah 1:5; Alma 9:16–17; Alma 17:9, 15; Alma 25:6; Hel. “All these sources talk about how important both marriage and education are,” Ane says. President David O. McKay (1873–1970) taught, “In choosing a companion, it is necessary to study the disposition, the inheritance, and training of the one with whom you are contemplating making life’s journey.”12. "We want to reduce the hate and contention so common today," said LDS President Dallin Oaks. This guy's parents' divorce scarred him. Celestial Marriage, Russell M. Nelson. Her simple answer was, “I saw potential.”, In that same vein, as we search for a mate with whom we can spend the eternities, we would do well to remember Elder Scott’s counsel to recognize potential for growth: “I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. First of all, both LDS young men and young women are still taught that sex outside of married is strictly forbidden. This may seem unromantic to some, but I would argue that it is far more romantic that you choose your spouse. For many LDS couples, and especially for LDS brides, the decision to marry also means it is time to receive the endowment ordinance. As we seek a spiritual confirmation, we need to keep at least five things in mind. “Don’t let this choice [of a marriage partner] ever be made except with earnest, searching, prayerful consideration, confiding in parents, [and] in faithful, mature, trustworthy friends.”14 Loving parents who genuinely want the best for us, and “faithful, mature, trustworthy friends,” can often act as a sounding board and counsel us on how best to proceed. ETA: however, I do believe there are some Prophets who have said that if you do *try* to be married in this life, but just never find a suitable partner, then that will be taken care of in the hereafter. Pioneers in Petticoats: 1969 44 min. Doctrine and Covenants 124:50, for example, tells us that the iniquities of the fathers will be visited upon the head of the children “so long as they [the children] repent not, and hate me.” Thus repentance and loving the Lord help free us from the sins of our parents. The very scriptures that warn of wickedness being passed on unto the third and fourth generation also show the way out of a troubled family background. Don’t shortchange your lives.”2, We sometimes are given false expectations by movies, plays, and fiction based on the idea that there is a “one-and-only” somewhere out there whom we are intended to marry. Your Mormon … Pioneers in Petticoats: 1969 44 min. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) taught: “‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”4. The decision to marry Becky always made sense and felt right. Instead of looking for a soul mate, I suggest two things: (1) enjoy the process of dating and (2) develop the attributes you wish to see in your future spouse. President Kimball taught: “‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”3, President Boyd K. Packer (1924–2015), President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, similarly taught: “I do not believe in predestined love. I get sick when I see the child bride phenom. So before we start holding others up to scrutiny to see if they are worthy of us, maybe we ought to work first on becoming a “right person” for someone else. A natural consequence of investing in this process will be wisdom, personal growth, and, quite often, finding someone whom you will want to choose as your eternal companion. LDS Quotes on & about Marriage presented in an easy-to-read format. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.”19. Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles commented on these types of lists, noting that it is presumptuous of us to think that we are entitled to the partners we describe in our lists. President McKay also said: “In our early youth, our environment is largely determined for us, but … in courtship and marriage we can modify, aye, can control to a very great extent, our environment. For a whole year they struggled to decide on the right time to get married. Do birds of a feather flock together, or do opposites attract? Plenty of latter-day saints belong to part-member families and many have found a way to “make it work,” but the heart of the issue isn’t the same as any other interfaith marriage. But, he pleaded with the young Latter-day Saints, “don’t get too anxious or stressed when we talk about the ideal.” “You don’t have to be hasty and you don’t have to have peptic ulcers over getting married, but you also should not hold back on a good thing,” he said. He has poor self-esteem. See Evelyn L. Lehrer and Carmel U. Chiswick, “Religion as a Determinant of Marital Stability,” Demography, vol. I have heard the reason that polygamy was practiced was because the 1/3 who followed Satan were all men and that left more … How exactly to Understand Whom to Marry. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has garnered a lot of ... one completes the rituals when called to serve a mission or when engaged to marry. President Hinckley offered this counsel about timing: “I hope you will not put off marriage too long. The only "compromise" I can see in your situation is for you to get married in an LDS church (not the temple) and for you to agree that you will support your wife in her church activities and that you will get sealed in the temple if you should ever decide to convert to the church. The first quality many young people look for in a potential spouse is someone with whom they can “fall in love,” which often means someone for whom they feel a strong physical attraction. If you want your marriage to survive a faith transition, you have to decide if you want to be married. I wonder if the GAs are worried about declining family size and its impact on church growth … In our culture and theology, there are two kinds of marriage. The Apostle Paul taught about the importance of homogamy when he said, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Sincere, positive communication practiced in dating and courtship increases the likelihood of greater commitment, better conflict resolution, and more love between partners in marriage. Yet at the time I didn’t feel like I was getting a response. Fourth, we can learn to discern the differences between inspiration, infatuation, and desperation. She should seek her own guidance and make up her own mind. Photography by John Luke; electronic composition by Charles M. Baird. No marriage sealing can take place unless both the bride and the groom have been received all of the preparatory ordinances, including baptism, confirmation, ordaining to the priesthood for males, the initiatory, and the endowment. Question: Were women put under "tremendous pressure" to accept a proposal of plural marriage? Mormonism has a lay clergy, so everyone serves in the Church. They knew that ultimately the most important guidance would come from the Lord, so they spent much time searching the scriptures and words of the prophets for talks about family, marriage, and education. Thomas S. Monson, “Hallmarks of a Happy Home,” Ensign, Nov. 1988, 71. The most accurate prediction came from observing how couples resolve conflict, but a great deal of predictive power was available even before couples went on their first date. However, when one partner was LDS and the other was not, the rate of divorce increased by 27 percent, placing them among the most at risk of any religious pairing!1, Why might this be? She said to me: “He had a bad temper, and he was power oriented and controlling. Good communication begins with a righteous heart. After following the basic LDS dating rules and guidelines the time will come when you’re ready to work towards a temple marriage.How will you know who to marry? … Recognize that it’s going to be hard, and that’s okay. Dramatizes the conflict a young LDS woman faces in trying to decide if she will marry in the temple or outside of the temple. President Lee advised that a young man not think of marriage until he is able to take care of a family of his own, to be independent. This would mean that finding a mate is simply a matter of waiting to lock eyes with the right someone “across a crowded room,” as the song in South Pacific says,3 heading off hand in hand to the closest temple and then living happily ever after. I don't like to gamble and then lose half of my stuff. Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and Divorce” (Brigham Young University devotional, Sept. 7, 1976), 2, speeches.byu.edu. Some people want little to do with their in-laws, while others spend lots of time together. Sexuality has a prominent role within the theology of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church), which teaches that gender is defined in the premortal existence, and that part of the purpose of mortal life is for men and women to be sealed together, forming bonds that allow them to progress eternally together in the afterlife. But neither one of us discussed our thoughts and feelings; we would get full of anger and neither one of us would talk.”, In addition to weighing a potential spouse’s character and our ability to create a good couple relationship with that person, we need to consider past and present family relationships. The Latter-day Saints unite with the people of every creed and tongue and race in the general commemoration of the day observed throughout Christendom as the anniversary of the God-Man’s earthly birth. The Church encourages us to marry those who are of similar backgrounds, economic status, education and culture. I … Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915–1985) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist.” But he went on to add, “It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make.”6. Perhaps because we recognize how central marriage is to God’s plan, we develop a results-focused mentality that makes dating seem less like fun and more like digging a ditch. The way we communicate in dating and courtship is a key to building a solid marital relationship. Right is not always an easy thing to do. But good intentions aside, it can be quite overwhelming sorting through it all and deciding what’s good for you. LDS Wedding Checklist 3 to 6 MONTHS FIRST THINGS FIRST ☐ (1) Set a date ☐ (2) Schedule a temple time ☐ (3) Talk to your bishop about a temple recommend and a Recommend for Living Ordinances ☐ (4) Schedule time off work (as needed) ☐ (5) Arrange for both families to meet ONE RECEPTION, or TWO RECEPTIONS? Fortunately, however, our backgrounds do not have to control the outcome of our lives or our marriages. This principle is especially important when it comes to matters of faith. He starts his talk comparing shopper patterns with marriage – some people will focus on quality and durability, while others go for the bargains or simply steal what they want. Stay Out of Bedrooms “It is wise for engaged couples to stay out of bedrooms no matter how honorable the intentions may originally seem. Question: Did Joseph Smith give a woman only one day to decide about entering a plural marriage, and would refusal mean terrible consequences? “Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty.”7, Elder Scott suggested several attributes of a potential spouse that will contribute to happiness in marriage: “a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home.”8. It goes beyond being able to understand your spouse’s religion and deciding on where to take the kids on Sunday. Celestial Marriage, Russell M. Nelson. But Mormons also have a ceremony unique to Mormonism called a “sealing”, where a Mormon couple can be married “for time and all eternity” (no “till death do you part” involved). You are much more likely to be happy,” said President Hinckley. I would recommend following his advice in both deciding if you do get married, and also who you should marry. I think I am a little better now than when we were dating. Filmed in California and Las Vegas, Nevada. Don’t cheat yourself. The problem is that I am catholic. A desire to get away from an unpleasant family situation or fear of failure in school or work can cause someone to look desperately to marriage as a way out of a problem. World Affairs Council, New Visitors’ Facilities in New York, Ohio, President Hinckley Celebrates 92nd Birthday, Missionary Training Center Dedicated in Ghana, Fires Affect Members in Arizona, Colorado, “Choosing and Being the Right Spouse,” Ensign, Sept. 2002, 62–67. I can see now that God had been telling me in my heart and in my mind that it was a good decision. After praying and waiting for an answer, I got more frustrated and gave up. Decide the role of family in your future marriage. You may also decide that you want to marry your partner, but not right now. I really thought that he would abuse me or my children if I married him.”. Whether their parents divorced or not, some individuals may have been exposed to poor models of communication and conflict resolution in their families. … Marry the right person in the right place at the right time.”1 But who is the right person? Marriage is an important sacrament in all religions, but it's especially important in Mormonism because Mormons believe marriage plays a role in our progress after death. If a Mormon marries outside the faith, it’s always best to have a spouse who is supportive. These are the individual attributes and deeply held values of the person, the quality of the relationship we are able to build with that person, the person’s background, and the things in our own lives that affect our decisions. 30, no. ... to only marry in an LDS temple, since only in an LDS temple could marriage be made eternal. Thomas B. Holman is a member of the Aspen Second Ward, Orem Utah Aspen Stake. 7:3–5)—that is, we can easily see the faults of others, but not our own. Instead, it offered a quick, easy way to get back to the rush of infatuation that he had defined as “real love.”, The notion of soul mates can undermine the development of healthy, enduring relationships. Despite it all, because I am a woman in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, one man now gets to decide the future of these eternal bonds. In countries such as England, or Brazil, where they do not recognize an LDS marriage in a temple as governmental, the church has to follow the laws of the land and thus the couple have that civil marriage and then go to the temple for the sealing without waiting a year. Faith, it is an adventure potential spouse values marriage and education,... Given by LDS leaders by priesthood leaders t easy for you love him and I continue! Only in an LDS temple could marriage be made Eternal the ceremony, I ’ going. I hope he will change deeply religious get married some observations that I have very recently child... Welcome and accepted into his family and have children and decide to it! Be married for time out the truth of these inspired recommendations by priesthood leaders she is under obligation... Host Nancy Redd 6:15, 22–23 ) talks about marriage given by LDS!... Your life about how important both marriage and 100s of other topics for talk or prep. 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